This is not where I want to be.
I am not happy. I hate my life.
Something needs to change…
In all honesty, how easily I figure things out, meaning work and happiness, relationships and love, depends entirely on the day. The hour. Hell, sometimes it depends on the minute.
Life is twisted, complex string of millions of what the fuck moments where one second I think I know it all and the next I have no clue what is going on and I’m hanging on by a thread.
I realize I can’t be alone in this daily, hindering process of thought. Hundreds of thousands of women or more, in my life and beyond, have to have the same hair pulling, gut wrenching, panic inducing train of thought most days.
What. The. Fuck. Are. We. Doing?
About anything. About everything.
It’s inevitable to question your life as you get older, unless you have some really good drugs or a toxic way of shutting out and ignoring the world laid out before you.
For the rest of us, we wake up older and wiser and suddenly every hour of the day seems like another battle in a war with no end. No real outcome. No purpose and no reward. We open our eyes every morning, living day to day dealing with the same shit, talking with the same people and nothing ever changes.
We are living the lives we actively created for ourselves while being painfully unsatisfied and under-stimulated through each and every second of it.
How very Groundhog Day of us, hmm?
So what do we do? Keep right on burying our heads in the sand? Do we wake each morning to a life we wish was better only to do nothing about it?
That sounds easy and completely doable. Don’t rock the boat and allow life to happen to you the way it always has. Forever and always.
How fun.
Or do we chase the moments of these realizations, first fleeting and easily brushed off, but as the years begin catching up to us appear more frequent and more loud in our mind?
This is not where I want to be.
I am not happy. I hate my life.
Something needs to change.
Do we understand and truly accept that the life we led up to this moment showed us exactly who and what we want to be, if only we are open and honest enough to hear our secret truths?
Do we pull our heads from the sand and scream at the top of our lungs we are not finished! We will not settle for this bullshit life we created! We will not sit on the brink of death only to look back on life, suddenly full of regret for so many things!
Change is very scary.
Living and learning and teaching yourself life lesson after lesson about love, money, relationships, health and happiness can be painful as hell. Acknowledging and understanding your past mistakes then using them to build a more flourishing, loving, successful present and future is absolutely terrifying. And embarrassing.
But which is worse? Truthfully?
A life only lived or a life lived and loved?
I pick the latter and if you were smart you would too. We get one shot in this world. Let’s make the very best of it.
- Amy